Self Realization

This past Wednesday I was able to go to school with Jayme, to Kansas University, and I spent a better part of the day in the library reading and meditating, even though that was not the original intent for the day. It is weird how often may plans never work out like I plan them. Anyways I spent much of the day in the Psalms and in a book called "The Imitation of Christ" by Thomas a Kempis. In the book there is a small section titled "How Truth is to be Learnt" and a Kempis has a brilliant quotation in this section. He says, "...our guesses at the truth can never be more than light obscured by shadow. The humble man's knowledge of himself is a surer way to God than any deep researches into truth." After reading that quote I prayed that he would show me myself, so that I may have a proper understanding of who I am, and that can be a very dangerous prayer. For more often than not we are much uglier and broken than the picutre that we paint of ourselves.

Today, I saw that clear as crystal in my life. It is not that today was bad. In fact, it has been amazing. I had a lot of fun hanging out with Jayme and David. We walked in a parade for Jayme's work and I made a complete fool of myself, but met a really cool guy name Phillip who was from South Africa and was a blast to hang out with, and then just had time to think and meditate while watching House, which I know is a weird combination, but it is what happened nonetheless. But as I was thinking back on today, and started to think about getting ready for the parad and when I was trying on the clothes I began to look at the thoughts that were going through my head, and I realized how insecure I really am. I put on a really good act in front of people. I act like I am comfortable with myself, and as if I believe I have something to offer to society, but that is not the case at all.

In reality, I am horribly insecure about my body. Like a lot of people I wish I could lose a few inches here, and tighten up there. I wish I exercised more, that I ran more, and that I would take better care of myself. I also realized that if I was honest with people I do not think I am worth being with anyone in a serious relationship. Basically I think that I am not good enough to be with the person that I desire, in a healthy romantic relationship like I long for. I looked at myself as I was thinking, and just said there is no way she would want to be with me, so I should just move on and be content with what I have, which may have some truth to it. And I looked at myself and saw how insufficient I am. I went to college for 4 years and I may be more lost and confused than when I began, and consistently wonder how God could ever use such a wretch like me. I talk a great game, but find my devotional life so lacking when God is so deserving. My prayer life has a lot to be desired. My knowledge of scripture is no where what it should be for a guy who graduated from college Magna Cum Laude with a degree in Bible and Theology. I guess that shows how messed up the world standards can be when a fool graduates with such a distinction. Today, I saw how truly broken and beat down I really am.

I wish I could stand here and say I am beautifully broken. I wish I could stand here and tell you that in this weakness I am truly strong. But I cannot, and I know I should. Because we are beautifully broken, and with the shards of our life God is creating a beautiful mosaic known as the Kingdom of God. A Kingdom of ragamuffins who see their weakness, and as a result do all that they can, which is rely on the strength of the King whom they serve and live for. But I do not have that power yet, and this is not to say I won't. This is just the beginning of my journey. The first step in overcoming a problem is to admit you have one, and that is not something knew we have all heard that probably hundreds of time. So, today I am broken, and tomorrow I am beautiful, even if it does happen that fast.

This probably goes with out saying but please don't feel bad for me, because I don't. This realization did not come with a lot pain. In fact, as weird as it may sound this view of myself came with joy, and a smile on my face from ear to ear. It was an answer to prayer. It was God showing His power. I have nothing to offer, and a lot to work on, and through that I have encountered God, and He has everything. Don't be afraid to be broken. Like me it may be your key to happiness!