True Worthiness - The Love of God

Have you ever thought that you were completely unworthy? As a result there was this constant pressure to strive and achieve just so that you could feel important. After awhile you actually thought you were important. You thought you were smart and worthy. Inside part of you actually believed you could do it on your own. Your pride had grown out of control from this one thought; you are not worthy.

You thought the response to this idea was to strive to obtain your worthiness; in fact this is what you were taught and had drilled into you from all those around you. You never thought that seeking God for His vision of you could possibly be the answer. You never imagined that the answer could be admitting your unworthiness to God, so that He would fill you and make you worthy. Then once you learned this truth you didn’t know how to let that truth in and become reality. You couldn’t accept the truth that your worth comes from simply being a child of the most-high God. All that you could hear and believe was that you are not worthy. You must strive to be better, and earn your way; earn your acceptance.

This lie caused you to live in fear. What if I mess up? What if I do not do this right? Am I praying enough? Am I reading enough? Am I righteousness enough for the plans that God has for me? Etc. Every word and message that you heard from God was then filtered through these questions of fear. You never felt truly accepted no matter how many times people told you that you were. You always worried about not doing enough or doing something wrong that would eventually chase those people away from your life. This made repentance and confession hard, which made getting prayers from your brothers and sisters rather difficult, which then blocked the healing and cleansing promised in Scripture that you so desperately desired to be true in your life (James 5:16, 1 John 1:9).

Now with all of this fear and guilt just piling on to you it was impossible to clearly hear and take in the words of God. All you wanted was a word of God to come to you, to comfort you, and to guide you. You heard His words come from sermons and songs. You even heard His gentle whisper as you took time in silence to seek Him, but nothing availed. Every word was swarmed with questions and doubts. This is too good to be true. I only heard that because that is what I want. This could not be God that will never work. This doesn’t line up with His character; as you sought to defend how this couldn’t be true when it probably was, but you were just so scared of being wrong and messing up, and constantly wondering how this would make people think of you. You had to defend and protect the prideful image of yourself that had been created in your mind.

With all of this fear and insecurity you did not know what to believe. All of a sudden ideas and visions from God that you have based your life on started to come into question. Is this all reality or just a pleasant fantasy to hide the pain? Nothing made sense, and you were lost as you tried to protect the prideful obsession of being good and worthy. Your life literally began to fall apart.

Well, as you probably already know, since this is my blog, this is my story. This is where I found myself 2 weeks ago. Pride has infected every area of my life manifested in this one lie, I am not worthy. As a result, I have not been able to make decisions in my ministry because what if they are wrong. Financially, I am a mess because I live off support, but I cannot ask for support because I am unworthy. So, I am in a nest of debt and despair, and feeling completely unworthy to ask for help to get out, instead feeling I should just get a job and leave my calling to make money, because there is just so much uncertainty. And the list just goes on, as it has affected my relationships, my family, and my God, or how I truly view Him.

However, something happened 2 weeks ago. As I prayed with a friend, Joel McGill, God broke in, and He showed me the lie, and He showed me the truth. I am completely unworthy on my own, but I am not on my own anymore. Right now, as I type this, I am worthy, and it has nothing to do with what I have done or will do, but everything to do with God saying I am worthy and speaking that worth into existence. I can do nothing, but in that admittance I can do everything as God does it through me. I cannot come up with a plan to get me out of debt, but God can give me one. I do not have the courage and faith to listen and obey His words, but God will empower me to obedience. I am completely prideful and arrogant and nothing I do will make me humble, but telling God I am hopeless in my pride and need Him will lead Him to respond. He will break through and give me humility, and He will teach and enable me to live empty, so He can fill and radiate through me to do the things I could never do. In fact, I have learned this is what Christianity is all about, God living and loving in us.

So, I have begun a journey to truly learn that it is ok to be weak and broken. I am learning how to live that out, and not just make it head knowledge and lip service. That really does nothing other than causing you to live in hopelessness and despair as you realize you will never measure up, but vainly trying to make the mark anyway. Learning to live this way is so hard. I feel like I am dying every day, as my pride is being peeled off. I feel like God is calling me to things I could never do, and I am just scared. I do not know how to live like this. How do I live without tasks orienting my life, and giving me things to achieve and strive for? I mean that is what has made my days since I can remember. With all of this questioning of what and how God has been repeating to me 3 words every day. “Just love me!” Stop striving and just love me!

In fact, it is the new rule, without striving and legalism, and it is producing something great inside of this prideful person in desperate need of Christ. Nothing else matters. It does not matter how many people you heal or save, or how much scripture you read and memorize. What matters is did you love God? Did I say I love you to Jesus yet? Does the Holy Spirit know that I cannot live without talking to Him, because that is how much I love Him? Does the Father know that I love Him more than all things I ask of/from Him? I do not want to complete my tasks without loving Jesus and knowing He loves me. I want to complete them as a result of that love. I have learned that everything God has asked me to do is only so that I can learn more about Him, and experience more of His love. The task does matter as much as the time spent with God while doing the task. The reason for the journey is Jesus. The task just gives us something extra to do along the way.

Please pray for me as I have a long way to go in this journey of humility and complete reliance on Jesus. I know that I am in desperate need of your prayers. I cannot do this on my own. I have been trying for too long on my own with no results, and God’s promises are stronger than that. The prayers of my brothers and sisters in the faith are powerful and effective. Your prayers are powerful and effective. So please, pray for freedom in the realm of purity, but everywhere. Pray that I would rest in the beauty of God, and the beauty that He sees me in. Pray that I would have the strength and power to continue on the path God is laying, but ultimately pray that I would stop striving, so that God can work out His plan in my life.

I love you, and my prayer is that God’s grace would have already encountered you as you started reading this blog. I pray that with the first word you read you began to feel His tangible presence in your life. May freedom, power, and love reign in your life through the power of Jesus Christ, the Father, and the Holy Spirit. God bless and Amen!